Chatter. A marvelous coach or a harmful critic?

I suspect my (long lost – thankfully!) primary school reports probably included something about being a bit of a ‘chatterbox’ in the classroom.

Whilst I hope I’m slightly less of a distraction to others now, it’s my own ‘internal chatter’ that sometimes needs to be quietened.

Ethan Kross has spent his career researching the silent conversations people have with themselves and his book ‘Chatter’ is a brilliant read.

He explains that we all have a ‘voice in our head’ of some shape or form and that “our verbal stream of thought is so industrious that according to one study, we internally talk to ourselves at a rate equivalent to speaking four thousand words per minute out loud.”

This inner voice can be a marvelous coach but can also be a harmful critic.

By thinking of the mind as a ‘lens’ and the inner voice as the ‘button’ that zooms in or out, chatter is what happens when we lose perspective by zooming in close on something and inflaming our emotions to the extent that we are unable to see the alternative ways of thinking about the issue.

Kross explains why we need to gain mental distance from negative inner chatter in order to take a ‘step back’ and think more clearly.

The book provides different strategies which can be helpful in harnessing the inner voice, such as:

Using ‘distanced self-talk’: This is the idea of using your name and the second person “you” when you are trying to work through a difficult experience. Reflecting on this, I realised I have a habit of saying my own name when I need to stop myself from overthinking and start taking action.

“Right, Humpleby ….” (probably a hang-up from school, I find using my surname ‘means business’ more than my first name!).

Imagining asking a friend for their advice: He also recommends another way to think about a situation from a distanced perspective is to ‘imagine what you would say to a friend experiencing the same problem as you’.

Broadening your experience: By thinking about how the situation compares to other events you, or others have endured. This reminded me of the question we ask our son when he is worrying about something. “On a scale of 1 -100, how important is this?”

Engaging in mental time travel: Gaining perspective by thinking about how you will feel about these issues in the future. A month, a year, 5 years from now. Without realising I have been using this technique to calm my inner voice, often questioning myself.

“When you look back on this in 5 years’ time, how important will it be?”

He also suggests ‘Building a Board of Advisors’. This is a group of people whom you can turn to support when your inner voice is taking control. I love this idea as it completely aligns with the Squiggly careers concept of having a ‘Personal Board’.

This book is full of wisdom and it deserves its space on the bookshelf.